Now you're gone
by lesbian-otps
Summary: What will Beca do once Chloe's left her. One shot


Choked sobs echoed throughout the silent room. I told everyone to leave, they couldn't see me like this. Only you can. Or should I say could. It's only been a day without you, yet I'm lost. I had imagined if you were to ever leave me, I wouldn't be a mess. That I would go longer then a few minutes without you appearing in my mind again, and having the tears stream down my face. But then again I never thought you would actually leave me. Never had there been a day where you wasn't by my side. You were my best friend, someone who I could tell anything to and I knew you would be supportive. And I loved you. Well I still do. I don't think I'll ever stop. I had no one in my life, till you came into my life. How you intruded on my shower, and how you insisted we become _'the bestest friend ever_'. That was six years ago, and I have never regretted a single day that I have known you. And I believed you thought the same.

I see your face looking at me your arm slung over my shoulders, from the photo frame on my bedside table. You insisted that we took a photo every time their was an important event we celebrated. Which we did. I remember that photo, it was our two year anniversary where you made sure that I knew how much I meant to you. Just the memory of that, makes me feel like someone is squeezing my heart. Because that can't happen no more. No more anniversary. No more us.I let my shaky hand move the photo frame away from my view. I couldn't allow your smiling face looking at me when I know I'll never see it again.

If I can't be with you, then I want to be alone. But no one seems to get this. Too many people have came to with the usual _'I'm sorry'_ or '_If there is anything you need just say_'. Oh I how I hate them. They don't care how I'm feeling, the only person who ever did was you. But now people who would never even look in my direction are now desperately trying to be my friends. You knew I was never one for talking with people. I remember you dragging me to your cousins wedding, and how your hand never left mine as all your relatives attempted to strike up a conversation with me. Your Aunt tried the hardest though, she thought I was the greatest thing that had ever happened to you and I remember how words got caught in my throat as I tried to think of something to say. But then you swooped in saying 'I have to agree with you there Auntie'. My heart still warms up at the thought of it. But not today.

I refused to sleep last night, as I always dream of you. But now I can't, because every time I see your face it's like torture. So I'm sitting on my bed, purple bags resting comfortably underneath my eyes as I watch my phone constantly flash. To many people are texting me. I know I didn't give my number out to half of them, but that doesn't bother me. Just the fact that you aren't the one making my phone light up, that's how every night for the past six years went. But I know now you can't, it just hurts. I move the hair away from my face, before picking up my phone. I didn't bother looking at the screen. Just flung it against my wall, a cry full of anguish escaping my lips. Now the tears had begun to travel down my face again. I wrapped my hands around my knees, pulling them close to my body. I shut my eyes tightly, trying to erase the image of you out my mind. Which is impossible. You of course will be forever branded in my mind, as a consent reminder that you're not with me no more.

* * *

I finally had to leave my house, and face the cruelness of the world. I'm only doing this for your benefit. For this will be the last time I can ever see you, say the words that I have always wanted to say but had been to afraid to tell you. I managed to strip my room of any memories of you, but I can't do that everywhere. Everything reminds me of you. I watch the world slip by, as the car drives along the road. I see the park in the distance, the first place you told me you loved me. Another fresh role of tears are threatening to spill over, it's like a whisper in the back of my mind _'I think I love you'_. I quickly wiped away the tears, I can't cry. Not yet.

I closed my eyes as the memories washed over me, each one more painful to watch. But that's all I have now, memories. So I let the image of your hand fitting perfectly into mine as you recalled your day to me, always adding in how much it would've been better if I was there. You telling me how much you loved me, the way you always said "You and me for rest of our days". I believed you. If I knew back then how much heartache you have caused me now, I wouldn't have whispered back all the '_I love you too'_ or_ 'You and me for the rest of time'_. But then, I couldn't stay away from you. Not for long. You just had something about you that always made me come back to you. Always made me love you more.

I sigh as the car comes to a stop, and I look towards all the people I can't bare to face. All wearing the usual black attire. I can't help but the small smile that pulls at the corner of my lips as I imagine what words you would say at the sight of them "_Blacks boring, I don't want them to be sad. I want them to be happy. Happy that I lived a full life"_ I can hear you so clearly in my mind, hear the smile in your voice. God it hurts, how am I supposed to spend the rest of my life without you?

I had to leave, I had to escape. If felt like the walls were closing in on me. Suffocating me in my own little prison. So I left with no general direction in mind, I just let my feet guide me. That's how I ended up here, my back leant against the the tree. A hand clutching my shirt in the place where my heart is. Like I was trying to pull it out. I wish I could. The pain of being here is to much for me to handle. This is our spot, the place you showed me on our fist date. The place you held my hand and told me you loved, the place where I told you it back. This place held to many memories of you and me, and now that you're gone to painful to have them replay in my mind. But how long can I keep doing this? Am I to wait for my heart to fully break so I end up back in my shell, refusing to reveal myself to anyone? Right now that idea does sound appealing. To wait for death to bring me to you.

All I want is you. It's all I ever wanted. In the past, now and I'm sure in the future I will still want you. Because you are the one I was supposed to be with. My soul mate. Every time I mentioned it to you, you would smile brightly and take my hand in yours. Just that simple gesture made my stomach do gambles and my heart to beat faster then usual. A feeling I would never feel again. I would refuse to let anyone else in my life, I would be comparing them to you to much. Every action they do, I would be thinking_ 'You wouldn't be doing that'_. But then I don't want to love anybody else. As I'm pretty sure you't the person I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with. Even if you're not with me, and our time together has shortened. Because even though being away from you is torture, it's a privilege to have my heart broken by someone as amazing as you.

* * *

I never knew living without you would be this hard. I was a mess before I met you. But you gave me a reason to live, you were my light in a dark tunnel. My anchor in this cruel, unforgiving world. How can I carry on? I've tried. I've tried so hard to not give up, because a part of me knows that's not what you want. I read online somewhere, that our loved ones never really leave us. That they're always around us. I like to think that you wiped away my tears, like you use to. Kissed my forehead gently, like you use to. There's that word again, use to. I'm using it a lot when I remember the stuff you did to comfort me. Because you're not here no more. You never can be. I need the comfort only you can provide.

I stood up, stumbling slightly as I tried to regain my balance. I looked towards the mirror on my wall, trying to imagine your arms wrapped around my waist. Your head resting gently on my shoulder. But I can't. An unknown feeling washes over me. Is this how it's going to be for the rest of my life. Just let the days go by as I continue to forget the feeling of you? The words '_You and me love, nothing can stop us. Not even when time catches up on us. We'll still be together. I promise'_. For the first time in days, my sorrow has been replaced with an anger I never thought I would feel towards you. You broke your promise. Time caught up with us, and your gone.

_'I love you, so much. That I am thankful that we have infinity to spend the rest of our lives together'_. The words swept into my mind, as I fell to the floor desperate to get the stuff you promised me out my head. We don't have an infinity. We don't have anything you're gone, and you're never coming back. I know I shouldn't be mad at you, it wasn't like you asked for this. For that car to have hit you. To have your life taken away from you. But I can't help it. You're probably telling me to move on, stop mourning and just remember. I'm selfish though. I'm selfish for wanting to stay here, wanting to remember every detail of you. Your face, body, mind, everything. For the fear that soon I may forget you. And to me, that's worst thing that could ever happen. I want to remember all the pain you've caused me recently. All the times you made me smile, made me feel loved. I know that if I carry on to remember every bit about you. My heart won't be healing, it will continue to break because I love you. And for me, this pain demands to be felt.

I looked at the one photo I kept, after getting rid of so many. I couldn't bring myself to get rid of all them. I smiled at the site of you. Your red hair in gentle curls framing your face, your bright blue eyes staring back at me. It hurts to know that I can never look at you properly again. Never run my hand through your hair as you rested your head on my shoulders. I let a single tear fall I whispered five words that I would never say again out loud.

"I love you Chloe Beale" I said as I put the engagement ring, I had planned on giving you beside the photo. "See you soon, Red"


End file.
